My intention
It is my intention in writing this piece to make my contribution to lasting change, to justice, to a world where equality is not an intellectual concept or even something that could ever be merely talked about.
Equality is lived, breathed and experienced by everyone in this world. This equality is consistently evident in our thoughts, words, acture, sensations, activity and in our interactions with each other. There is a real, deeply known, sensed and experienced knowledge, as Moshe Feldenkrais frequently states in a variety of ways, that difference is the norm, that no two people – no two nervous systems, can ever be the same.
We know, through the teachings of Moshe Feldenkrais, that difference is what makes us human. We already live in a world where this is true, so now the challenge is to really live as if this is true, to move beyond our personal limitations which were inflicted on us in a range of ways to make us conform to parental and societal expectations. These limitations enable us to form the habit of discounting our own sensations and our vowed and unavowed dreams, which in turn makes it easy for us to form the habit of discounting other people’s dreams, to conform, to hide, blame others for our own inability to be true to ourselves, and ultimately completely discount another person’s life.
Opportunities to move beyond fear-based, habitual patterns, to inhabit ourselves fully
Moshe demonstrated how you could meet another person in a fully engaged, curious and authentic way. He devised a method which provides within it numerous opportunities to move beyond, to inhabit ourselves fully, to be mature, letting go of fear-based, habitual patterns, and opening up to a way of being that feels out of reach, until through the course of the lesson we touch it, we attain that mobility which eluded us, we feel, sense and experience ourselves as whole and have integrated this wholeness, on some level, into the fabric of our being. It is this that I speak of, when I talk about my vision for equality: what we might perceive as too big, too much to do, too difficult, is possible.
What is required is for us to be with the discomfort, to notice but not get stuck in the discomfort, or the frustration, the helplessness, the anger, ignorance, guilt or shame, but to move beyond to individual, societal and world healing and transformation. This is what is required of us, as individuals and teachers of the Feldenkrais Method, to end the systemic racism which makes it acceptable to kill yet another Black man, George Floyd.
Do we stay within our comfort zone on this life or death issue?
Initially my answer to this question was a resounding No. On reflection, I believe it is both a yes and a no. No, I do not believe it is acceptable to not speak out about systemic racism. I have first-hand experience of what it is like to be around white people who are silent about racism.
I am of African Caribbean descent, born in the UK to Jamaican parents. Growing up in London, I experienced racism at the hand of teachers, schoolchildren and wider society. The National Front was the racist party of the day. There were NF graffiti on the walls with threatening messages to black and brown people. I remember walking home from school in groups of black people for safety, the older among us looking out for the younger, which was me at the time. As we walked past these graffitied walls into NF territory, as it was on our route home, we had people on the lookout ready to give us the signal to run. On many occasions we ran for our lives while skinheads chased us. I was eleven or twelve years old. One time I took a wrong turn and somehow got separated from my group. I was terrified. I knew that these skinheads hated black people and could beat me up or kill me. Fortunately, I was able to find my way home.
At this age, I had heard of friends of friends getting beaten up by racist people. I heard of attacks by police and had a vague sense of the police not being for black people. Alex Hayley’s "Roots" was on the TV but nowhere was this discussed in school. This silence left black children feeling abandoned with intense feelings of confusion, of not belonging anywhere, of grief and anger. The silence conveyed to us a sense of implicit agreement with racist ideology. It communicated to us that we were considered inferior and that attacks on us were justified.
As I got older, I became more aware of police brutality, attacks, deaths in custody and racist attackers not being bought to justice in the UK, USA and many other countries. There are some that are vivid in my memory but whose names I do not recall. I googled the situations, so as to honour them by mentioning their names, but I had to stop reading as it was too distressing for me to revisit the circumstances of their deaths at this point in time.
Out beyond all ideas of wrong doing and right doing, there is a field. I will meet you there.
I re-write Rumi’s words to give me the impetus to continue with this article – to push through the pain and know that this is worth it – that meeting you in the field is worth it.
I recently had the experience of being in a Feldenkrais lesson among people who I know love and care deeply for me. I was in pain. The particular way in which George Floyd’s life was taken, this particular time of lockdown, Floyd’s last words, my despair of witnessing yet another Black man brutally murdered and the response of the state in attacking peaceful protestors, caused me to feel pain, raw, deep pain. Nothing was said about George Floyd’s murder until I could bear it no more and had to speak out. As painful as it was to endure the silence, I am glad that it happened. It clarified something for me.
Silence vs Speaking Out
In the past, because I was used to white people staying silent on issues of racism or accusing me of having “a chip on my shoulder” if I spoke out, or because I was afraid of risking being deeply hurt or disappointed if my white friends didn’t get it or minimized my experience, or made it all about them getting stuck in guilt or shame, or because of risking our friendship ending or irrevocably changing, my habit was to only go to my black friends / any person of colour to discuss systemic racism and acts of violence. The white friends I could include were few and exceptional. I made the decision some time ago that I would not continue this habit. However, this situation that I was in, brought my reasons for this decision acutely to the fore and gave me a deeper understanding of why it is necessary for me.
In this lesson I could barely manage to stay present. Feldenkrais lessons are designed to enable me to learn, to go beyond some or other perceived limitation, make some discoveries and integrate these into my life, but I was finding it incredibly difficult to keep my attention on the teacher’s instructions because my mind and my nervous system were super active. I was thinking:
What are they thinking? Do they care? Are they going to disappoint me? Are these people who I thought they were? Why isn’t anyone saying anything?
Then I would breathe, say to myself come on you can do this. You know them. Something will be said. I would manage a moment or two of following the instruction. I would manage not to cry. Then my thoughts would come back and the shakiness inside. I was in full-blown flight or fight mode.
What I have learnt about Feldenkrais is that whilst there are frequently tangible shifts in one lesson, if I stay open to learning more, the learning becomes clearer or sharper in the following days. Following that lesson, I spoke up about my experience of the silence regarding George Floyd’s murder. The relief I felt was profound. There was relief in hearing open, honest, equally raw exchanges from people and in particular to hear spoken empathic words of support. Only after this, could I be present enough to learn. However, it was a few days later when I really got clear about why it is necessary to speak up and particularly to have conversations with white friends and colleagues.
This is what I learnt from this situation
It is important that something is spoken about George Floyd’s murder in classes we teach, because if nothing is said I am left feeling unsure if people believe that my life matters. If nothing is said, I am left in a place of doing deep, expansive, opening and learning in an environment where I do not feel that I can fully trust the people who surround me to care enough to do something if it were my life on the line. This causes me stress and distress and impedes my learning. Whereas even a brief acknowledgement of what's going on and a word of support allows my nervous system to quieten and for me to feel safe and able to learn.
A very close friend of mine recently lost her mother. She died at the height of the Covid 19 pandemic. My friend was unable to visit her mother when she was in hospital and was further isolated from her family due to lockdown restrictions. She is one of my closest friends and I was there for her albeit remotely. I felt clumsy, awkward and helpless. At times I was unsure if I was saying the right things, giving enough space or too much space, but I chose to keep trying, knowing that some of what I was doing and saying would miss the mark and not necessarily feel or be helpful. It was important that I risked getting it wrong and continued to show up for my friend.
Do we stay within our comfort zones on the issue of systemic racism?
Here is where I also say yes. It has taken me five days to write this article. I have needed to take rests and look after myself in writing it. I believe that we need to do this. No one is unaffected by systemic racism. The issues will be different for people whether you are a white person or a person of colour: conscious or unconscious racism, conscious or unconscious internalized racism – guilt and shame around speaking up or not speaking up or being complicit in any way. All these issues and more are emerging.
I do believe that real lasting change is going to come from taking an honest look at this, feeling whatever we feel, engaging in personal reflection, doing the work to heal and forgive ourselves, and moving on with making concrete changes.
I do believe that lasting change takes place in the small incremental steps we take, just as we do in Feldenkrais lessons. I feel heartened and slightly nervous of this huge display of national and global support for Black Lives Matter. I need for bold and even for huge change to happen now and I also need for it to be sustainable. So, for me, that does mean taking care of ourselves, educating ourselves, reaching out, risking messing up, remembering that no two people are the same – which also means that I speak for myself here and not for everyone who experiences racism. It also means taking personal and professional responsibility for playing our part in ending systemic racism, in making it clear that Black Lives Matter because ultimately Black Lives Matter is about how we treat all human beings.
- Neruma Ankti, Student Teacher of Awareness through Movement®
About Neruma Ankti
Neruma Ankti is a Student Teacher, currently in the fourth year of her Feldenkrais Practitioner Training in Sussex, UK. She is a self-taught writer and artist – a creative person is more how she would describe herself, with a passion for art, learning and teaching. Prior to spending the last decade working at the National Portrait Gallery, London, she spent the best part of 20 years working for various National and local organisations working with children, young people, adults, volunteers and community groups. She facilitated groups and provided training, amongst other things, in these various, enriching roles. She is excited about merging her passion for art and Feldenkrais by joining the Movement and Creativity team. Her contributions will be in the form of blogs, podcast collaborations and community practice sessions in Movement and Creativity Library with the intention of joining the vision to create a world of equity and inclusivity.
This article was originally published by the Feldenkrais UK Guild, June 2020, in the members journal, Functional Information. The Functional Information journal is edited by Dianne Hancock.